| Dear Arte, I have a very stressful career, and my fiancé has a seasonal job and will be working almost every night this summer. Hence, we have little time together. Because of this, I have a hard time relaxing for sex because I think I get myself into the mindset that "okay... we only have one shot at this for the whole week, so we'd better make this count!!!" It's also hard for me to relax sexually *period* due to the nature of my work (it's always in the back of my mind), the fact that I have little time away from my work and my vacations are sometimes spent apart from my love because he can't get away from his job, and because of household responsibilities, etc. It can take me a relatively long time to have an orgasm most of the time, and when I do have them, they are terrific! (No, I have never had a g- spot orgasm or ejaculation.) But when I get in that mindset I described, I can't relax, and I often can't cum. I still have a good time -- I love him so much and do so enjoy our lovemaking -- but it is still frustrating for both of us. He is always saying he's sorry he couldn't make me cum, but I know in this case it's really not his fault. (And, yes, I've had a couple of truly awful lovers, so I know what that's like.) Any advice you can give to help me relax? Any advice for my fiancé so that he can help me relax, too? DrRES * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Dear Doc, One of the very best ways to relax is to start your intimate time together with a beautiful relaxing bubble bath. Try using candlelight, wine or champagne, soothing music, and preferably aromatic or scented bubbles from a fine store such as the Body Shop. Have your lover get in the tub with you and bathe you, washing your body with a soft cloth and scented soaps. He should think of the washing as a massage for your body, paying careful attention to each and every inch of your flesh. And by all means TAKE HIS TIME with this bath. There is no rush or shouldn’t be. Any kind of deadline or time limit will put undue pressure on your session together. As for you, it’s vital that you force yourself not to let your working thoughts interfere. There are techniques described in “New Sex Now” for increasing your presence in the moment. That is SO important. You want to only be thinking about the physical sensations going through your body. Use your senses to anchor you in the here and now. Look, listen, smell, taste, and feel what’s going on. Please let us know how these New Sex Techniques work for you. Sincerely, Arte Your New Sex™ Advisor www.NewSex.org Have YOU tried New Sex? |